My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
