This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
