you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
