I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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