i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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