I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
