If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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