there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
