OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
