You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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