his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
