Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
