I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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