Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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