At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
