i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize