whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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