Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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