my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
