I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
