So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
