pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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