Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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