i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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