Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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