I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
