here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
