How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
