i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
