i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
