on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
