break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
