I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
