apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
