May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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