i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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