nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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