I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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