She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
