ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
