She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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