He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
