dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
