I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
barbara walters just said penis...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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