im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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