fuck your aforementioned shoe
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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