you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
