two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she looked like the before picture.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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