Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's blow job season.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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