ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize