I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
