I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
