A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
