Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
