god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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