Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Green mimosas i think yes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
