Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
