You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
