it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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