fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
