It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
