i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
